Thursday, December 22, 2005

The Nationals Festivus

Continuing on the Festivus Theme...

Tomorrow is the great holiday of Festivus, which according to legend was invented by Frank Constanza of Seinfeld fame.

"Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had - but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way!" ~ Frank Costanza, Seinfeld, "The Strike," Aired 12/18/97

The official date for Festivus is December 23rd, which is tomorrow. However, since most Nationals fans will take tomorrow off to get a jump on the Christmas weekend, Nasty Nats is declaring today to be "Nationals Festivus Observed."

So my friends, let us all gather around the Nationals Festivus Pole, which of course is made of aluminum. (Very high strength-to-weight ratio, unlike Carlos Baerga.)

The tradition of Festivus begins with the Airing of Grievances. I'm going to tell everyone all the ways they've disappointed me over the past year.

I got a lot of problems with you people! And now you're gonna hear about it!

Peter Angelos: Basically, you suck and everyone knows it. You and your bitchiness stood in the way of DC Baseball. Like the Spanish explorers discovering the New World, you claimed dominion over half the Eastern Seaboard for the Orioles. You failed to realize that the reason your franchise was struggling is because your team SUCKS! And then, Captain Asbestos, you hijacked the Washington franchise by blackmailing baseball into giving you the TV rights to the DC franchise. Rot in hell, Havana Pete!

Bud Selig: First of all, you took your damn sweet time moving the Expos. You stuck them in Puerto Rico for a couple years, and doomed them to mediocrity by cutting their budget. Frankly, even that was a National Disgrace. Once you finally got your act together and brought baseball back to DC, you sold us down the river by giving the Pratt Street Anus our TV rights! Then you kept missing your own self-imposed deadlines to sell the team to an actual owner. First, it was by Opening Day. Then it was the All-Star Break. Then it was by the World Series. Then it was by Christmas... Now, who the hell knows?!

Linda Cropp: You hijacked DC Baseball at the eleventh hour last December, holding it hostage in order to jumpstart your mayoral bid. Then miraculously, you released the Nats from your demon clutches, allowing the Stadium Agreement to pass the DC Council. Now, you wants credit for saving baseball AND for standing up to MLB. Fortunately for you, the voters of DC are probably stupid enough to buy that line of crap.

Bob DuPuy: To start with, you're a stupid flying monkey. And you're fat. Now, you're threatening DC, who's simply trying to figure out who will pay for cost overruns of the stadium. You put a gag order on potential ownership groups, not allowing them to offer to pay for any stadium cost overruns. The only thing that should be gagged is your fat jowly neck.

Jim Bowden: Where do we begin with you, Cap'n Leatherpants? First, you were hired to be our GM. That's disappointing to begin with. Then you signed Cristian Guzman to a contract so ridiculous - the Minnesota Twins laughed at Guzman and told him to get his ass to Washington. Right there, that's enough to get you fired. But you weren't done yet. You traded two perfectly good starting pitchers for a backup second baseman and an overrated outfielder. Both those players are now free agents, and we're out two starting pitchers. You stink! But you weren't done. You traded our most marketable player and some of our precious minor league talent for an overrated, overpaid, smug, asshole second baseman. You, in all of your stupidity, never bothered to ask the guy if he was willing to change positiions! Soriano is now saying that not only will he not change positions, he's going back to the American League after 2006!!!! So as it stands now, you've effed us over, you stupid, stinking moron!

I got a lot more grievances for all of you, but ... I lost my train of thought.

And now as Festivus rolls on, we come to the Feats of Strength.

With the help of Nate from Triple Play, we've come up with a dandy of a fight: A Greased-up Leatherpants-Wearing Jim Bowden vs. Jose "I KEEL YOU" Guillen without his medications. Until Guillen Sans Meds pins Greasy Jim, Festivus is NOT OVER!

I lost my train of thought. But do my half-dozen readers have any grievances that need to be aired?


Anonymous Frank Costanza said...

I find your custom Festivus pole intriguing and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

"You mean to tell me that there is not one single condo for sale in all of Del Boca Vista?!"

1:54 PM  
Blogger Rocket1124 said...

Tell me, Frank. I know tinsel is distracting, but is a Nats logo also distracting?

2:20 PM  
Anonymous todd said...

Simply beautiful :)

12:23 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home